ATTITUDE
On Jan 22, 2022, I attended the 2nd annual ATTITUDE conference, a mental health summit for African American women in Phoenix, Arizona, hosted by Social Roots. Social Roots LLC is an independent social work consulting business curated by Roicia Banks, MSW founder and CEO of Social Roots LLC.
When Social Roots announced the conference in 2022, I knew I had to be there. So now that we know how to operate in a pandemic with vaccines, masks, and negative COVID tests, I tell you the timing couldn't be better because, unfortunately, I lost my mother to cancer on Jan 20, 2022. (Insert sad face) my mother was diagnosed with cancer in 2014, and for the last eight years, she has been battling it. She finally had succumbed to her illnesses on Jan 20, 2022. My therapist told me you could grieve a loss before it even happens, and over the last six months, I have been doing that working and grieving. I spent as much time with my mother as I could because I knew she didn't have a lot of time left. Two days after my mother passed, I wiped my tears held my head high, and attended the ATTITUDE mental health conference. It was a humbling experience to share in a sisterhood of self-care, grievance, and joy.
I have been to many conferences throughout my life, from business conferences to professional development conferences, leadership conferences, and health equity conferences. Still, this conference is unique because it was for black women curated by a black woman and the focus was OUR mental health.
Throughout history, Black women have had to endure a lot more oppression. It reflects statistically, psychologically, and physically; for some black women, it is hard to put into words how we feel sometimes. When we express ourselves, we get labeled as a bitch or say she got an attitude. It is hard for some black women to ask for help because we are the helpers, and sometimes we don't know what we need. It is hard to face certain truths that we've been hiding from the world and ourselves. Black women are labeled as strong (which we are) but also have feelings and needs where we don't have time or space to feel vulnerable. Or be heard because we are daughters, mothers, wives, girlfriends, life partners, business owners, students, aunties, caregivers, and magic; we are pouring and giving till we are empty.
The famous Malcolm X quote makes me cringe when I hear it because it's true:
"The most disrespected person in America is the Black Woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman". Malcolm X spoke those words in 1962 (59 years ago) I wasn't even born when he said these words but being a black woman, I have felt disrespected, unprotected, and neglected.
As black women in the U.S., we have to face discrimination, racism, and wage inequality. Statistics tell a black woman's story that we will more than likely be single mothers and never marry and that we will more than probably die giving birthing to our children. Oh wait, there is more; we have to worry about being killed by the police while sleeping in her bed (Brianna Taylor). Or we are having our child killed by the police, or racist neighbor, then becoming a "mother of the movement" (Sabrina Fulton) Trayvon Martin's mother or (Wanda Cooper) Ahmaud Arbery's mother. When Sabrina Fulton and Wanda Cooper gave birth and raised their sons to be men, they didn't sign up to become a "mother of the movement," but that is a black woman's reality.
The stigma that still surrounds mental illness is still there, but the more people talk about it and recognize that it is ok the more it will be a part of our journey to wholeness, NOW let me tell you about this conference.
This conference was a full day conference from 7:30A-5:00P.
Some of the conference topic agenda included
"Generational Trauma & Slave Syndrome"
"Self-Care for the Strong Black Woman"
"Let's Talk About Sex"
"A Black Woman's Financial Guide
and "The Stages of Grief."
When I tell you my mind, body, and spirit were fed.
Let me start with "Self-Care for the Strong Black Woman", led by Dr. Tiffany Jenkins @awakeningchange IG
Self-Care is more than just manicures and a spa days.
Ask yourself these questions:
1) Do you refuse help when you need it? Or don't even ask for help at all?
2) Do you spend the majority of your time caring for others with little time for yourself? i.e. loved ones, spouse, kids, your boss
3) Do you have the I will sleep when I'm dead mindset?
4) Do you typically keep pushing when times get tough or do you stuff your feelings, eat your feelings or sex your feelings, and do whatever with your feelings, expect to feel them?
5) Do you belittle your experiences because someone has it worse than you do?
We did an exercise where she told us to introduce ourselves or how we typically introduce ourselves by using our five fingers. Then, once we had our five, we had to put down one finger every time we introduced ourselves, including who we were to someone else. If you present yourself as David's wife, Jacob and Tim's mom, I'm a therapist, how many fingers will you still have up if you defined yourself by who you were to someone or something?
If you introduce or define yourself as a free spirit, I like meditation and yoga or beach vacations; that is our true selves. The point was we are conditioned to live our lives for others. We define ourselves by who we are to other people and what we do for others. Not very often do we have the space or grace to define ourselves and take time for ourselves.
She introduced us to the eight dimensions of Self-Care In the illustration below.
How many do you incorporate in your life? If you include all 8 in your self-care routine, you are a rockstar! You may have more emphasis on some dimensions than others, and that is ok, but know that self-care is multifaceted and is more than just a mani/pedi or a spa day.
Now let me move on to the next presentation, "Let's Talk About Sex," presented by Ebony House. Ebony House is an Arizona-based non-profit that addresses behavioral health, substance abuse, and HIV/AIDS in the community; this presentation was informative and more interactive.
The highlights were to get tested for HIV annually, home test kits were given out for those who wanted them, and they had a mobile van to get tested that day.
These are the ways HIV CAN NOT be contracted
Salvia, Mucus, Sweat, Feces and Tears
These are the ways HIV CAN be contracted
Blood, Vaginal Fluids, Semen/Sperm and Breast Milk
The overall theme of the talk was we all learn about sex and sexual health from different sources, whether in school, an older sibling, our friends, or parents, or medical health professionals, be safe, stay protected, and get tested.
Next was A Black Woman's Financial Guide-Presented by Lisa Cagnolatti. This presentation helped us re-evaluate our relationship with money. We were given two worksheets, and the first worksheet was a net worth worksheet. Your net worth is your total assets: cash and savings, stocks, IRA's, home and personal property, or investment properties. Once you have the total of your assets, you divide that by your debt, also known as liabilities. Your liabilities are mortgage balance, credit card debt, student loan debt, car loan, anything or anyone you owe money to is a liability, so you divide your assets by your liabilities, and that calculates your net worth.
The second worksheet was a personal budget worksheet. The monthly budget worksheet tracks your monthly expenses. Lisa advised us to print out our monthly bank statement and to see where our money goes every month, what is automatically deducted, then calculate what we should cut to save or eliminate to increase our net worth.
Listed above in self-care is financial; when our finances are in alignment, that is one less stress we can alleviate from our lives if our finances are in order.
Next, we had a bomb-ass lunch catered by Pinch & Stone. If you are hosting an event and looking for a caterer, I can vouch for the delicious food. (Pic of Caterer Below)
After lunch, the next session was The Stages of Grief, presented by Dr. Marylee Nickerson. Her story of grief was giving birth to twins, but only one twin survived. The anguish of losing a child at childbirth can you relate? Grief is not always a death of a family member or friend; you can grieve the loss of a friendship (like the person is living, but the friendship is over) or divorce the grief of breaking up your family or losing a job.
Dr. Nickerson told her story, how she felt and what she needed.
After my mom had recently passed away, the afternoon session on grief was exactly what I needed to begin the journey of living life without my mom here on this earth. To heal, you have to allow yourself to feel. No matter how you experience grief, you can experience all seven stages, or you may share only one phase of grief. It is healthy to talk about how you feel and what you want or need.
Did you know there were 7 Stages of Grief?
Listed below are the seven stages.
1) Guilt-Guilt causes us to punish ourselves and keeps us focused on the past.
2) Aimlessness-Periods of confusion, aimlessness, lack of motivation, inability to concentrate, and forgetfulness
3) Depression-It affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems.
4) Denial- the stage that can initially help you survive the loss. you might think life makes no sense, has no meaning, and is too overwhelming,
5) Anger-When you are trying to adjust to a new reality, and we are likely experiencing extreme emotional discomfort.
6) Bargaining-An attempt to postpone your sadness by imagining "what if" scenarios you may also feel a sense of guilt or responsibility.
7) Acceptance & Recovery-You're finally able to accept the reality of what's happened and begin to look for avenues to move on. You must get how this loss has changed your life and stop wishing for everything to go back to how it used to be during this stage.
Dr. Nickerson gracefully shared her story and humbly accepted that she lost a child, but she didn't want that to define her because she was still a mother to the surviving twin. After telling her story, she shared the following resources on grief support.
Here are some resources for you if you need some grief support and remember that grief is not always death.
Grief Resources
SAMHSA'S National Helpline
1-800-662-4357
National Suicide Prevention
1-800-273-8255
Disaster Distress Helpline
1-800-985-5590
Survivor's Journey (Grief Support)
Group in Phoenix, AZ
survivorsjourneys@gmail.com
In conclusion, the ATTITUDE conference was a whole VIBE! And I recommend anyone that wants a safe space for black women to speak about their depression, grief, or self-care; this space is it, in addition to having a great lunch and take-home self-care boxes and swag bags. And let us start changing the narrative of our stories instead of it being defined for us.
Let's change the narrative and speak life and positivity into ourselves "The most respected person in America is the black woman. The most protected person in America is the Black Woman, The most cherished person in America is the Black woman"-Sarah Simpson 1/22/22.
To find more information on Social Roots LLC check out their website www.socialrootsllc.org OR follow them on Instagram @socialrootsllc
